someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
