I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Someone came in the potted fern
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How does one acquire holy water?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
