tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
...so i touched it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
