Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
