They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
