guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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