it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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