I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
she looked like the before picture.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
