he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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