The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
