Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
