I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
