1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
