Your dad touched me again.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
