I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
