Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
