Too much gin, very little bucket
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
