Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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