can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
