yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
it hurts more in the daytime
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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