I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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