Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
