i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I love having hate sex.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My breasts were aching with rage.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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