hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
