This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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