I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
