hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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