I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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