piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
