Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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