Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
