cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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