I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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