Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
