So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
