You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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