Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
