Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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