A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
