Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
