She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
