Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
