Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
