Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
