My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
