Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
