so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's official drugs can't kill me
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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