why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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