You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
