he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
try to milk me bitch
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