Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
